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The Wyrm
Shelter by alx_diamond
Rating: Mature
Read it on AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8245640
Summary: After a human Cas has spent a week on his own in the cold streets of Colorado, Dean regrets kicking him out and tracks him down. He brings Cas back to the bunker, and with Sam and Ezekiel out of town on research about Heaven, they have a lot of time alone to help Cas come to terms with his humanity. Their friendship slips into something more, and everything would be idyllic if not for Cas's constant nightmares, or the inexplicable, aching pain that keeps spreading further and further across his body.
Warnings: Accidental self-harm, mild sexual content, gore, cannibalism, body horror, hallucinations, dismemberment, unhappy ending.

Illustration behind the cut. WARNING: body horror, non-sexual nudity
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The Wyrm
25 May 2013 @ 04:00 am
of course the one side to being drunk is how very strong the urge to carve becomes
i know where that little knife is now
it's like a song waiting to be written in skin
ah, but i resist, i resist but gods it's beautiful -- what a mess i could make. fucking clotting factor wrestled down by alcohol's thinning properties, pain amplified to ecstasy.
just another version of the call of the void.
i wish you were here to hurt me.
fuck though. after all these years i finally understand. it heightens touch and hearing, or seems to do at least. they become keener the more my reason slips away. it makes me wonder, to some degree, if reason i s holding me back from feeling all i could.
probably so.
i want to slice myself to ribbons and taste myself on tattered lips.
The Wyrm
29 April 2013 @ 10:25 pm
I just spent the last few hours forcibly peeling back layers of my own survivor psychology.

It's highly unnerving to find that two years after the divorce I'm still discovering more ways in which that relationship fucked me up.

I can't pretend that I didn't develop a new eating disorder, much less that it's the reason I haven't eaten since 1 AM and won't again until tomorrow afternoon.

I didn't realise that I had such a strong reaction to certain stimuli – but sure enough, when things went just a little over the line I'd tried to lay down I retaliated far more viciously than the situation really called for.

On the other hand my habits of responding to guilt trips (intentional or perceived) with complete emotional shutdown and of responding to aggression with aggression are much older. Those have been part of me since I was a child.

Sometimes it feels as though I'm a dog that's been forced to fight in the pits, then seized, and handed over to a good foster family, meeting many good people. Tries to be a good dog. Gives warnings, not too loud, when his boundaries are pushed. Doesn't know how to make them clearer when they keep getting pushed except to bite and bite hard. Tells himself, well, I warned them, but that doesn't really justify paying back an objectively harmless poke in the flank with a ring of bleeding toothmarks.

I'm very tired.
Current Music: Led Zeppelin: "No Quarter"
The Wyrm
23 February 2013 @ 11:26 pm
I want to change myself.

I want to change everything.

I want to slough off all these years of hate and pain and cancerous rage.

I want to let go of all my grudges and leave the past behind.

I want to stop hurting, hating, killing myself.

I want to start over from zero.
The Wyrm
10 February 2013 @ 03:14 pm
I am thirty.

I have been on LiveJournal for ten years.

The transformation in both it and me has been remarkable. Would that I could rewrite my own coding as thoroughly.

Sometimes I think I should go back and delete old entries from my younger, stupider days; but like it or not that's my history, my mistakes and triumphs and lessons and losses, and I can't move forward if I continually knock out bricks from underneath myself.

Not that I don't wish often enough that I could simply strike out large swaths of my past from existence – to be the only one who remembers, and even then only as the lingering impressions of a dream.

Oh well. Time marches on and so do I.
The Wyrm

[warnings: blood, explicit gore]
[also hosted on tumblr]
The Wyrm
26 September 2012 @ 11:00 pm
The names a person ascribes to their pets (and such) can tell a lot about them, I think. Me, I've had well-established pet naming conventions for decades. Even the deviations from the pattern have their own pattern, albeit a less obvious one.

Late Monday night I found a tiny black kitten outside, lost, starved, frightened, screaming for his missing mother. Four weeks old judging by his teeth but oh gods he's so frighteningly thin I can count his bones with my fingertips. I'd thought one of the neighbours' kittens had gotten left outside by accident but they were all accounted for. Their momma cat, her litter, and their dog took him in easily enough – at first. By Tuesday afternoon momma cat changed her mind, and the neighbours brought him back to me. Now I've got an apartment, man, it's over 700 sq ft but that's not enough room for three indoor cats. Nothing in the world makes my otherwise-absent parental instinct kick in like a distressed kitten, though, so here I am with a bare handful of skin, bones, and black fluff dozing off in my lap while Cassie blocks my screen with her ass. >:|

Black fur, blue eyes since they haven't cleared yet, fine-boned, voice like a foghorn, and the first time I saw him eat it was a famished bolting down of wet food, tiny teeth loudly smacking through meat.

Can't keep him. He's going to be a gorgeous cat but I can't keep him. The least I can do is nurse him back to health and find him a good home. I can't very well just call him "the kitten" for the next month (like Hell am I going to adopt out a black cat in October), soooo....

That's how it came to be that my household now includes Chalybeia, Apophis, Cassiopeia, Cepheus, and...Jimmy.
The Wyrm
24 July 2012 @ 12:43 pm
So here's my ninth tattoo, added just last night. Not nearly enough pain or endorphins for my taste, but that's to be expected of work this small.
My body continues to surprise me. This was bloodless. Not even a bead. Hm.

In case anyone's been wondering where the fuck I've been, the answer is Tumblr.